I love to bake. Cakes, biscuits or buns, I find a real pleasure in seeing the mixture turn into something delicious. However, the minute they are ready, I have to call my father to come and turn off the oven.
Avoidance is an integral and yet oft forgotten part of OCD. When avoidance increases, compulsions decrease – this seesawing problem fuels the disease and means that it is often difficult to tackle. For me, this largely manifests itself in my checking compulsions – if someone else switches the iron off, or turns the knob on the oven, if it is somebody else locking the door, then the responsibility is no longer mine. This starts a vicious circle of avoidance and anxiety – every time I shirk my responsibility then it means that it will only get harder.
It’s easy to see why one gets oneself onto this path, even if you can see that it will only lead to disaster – I imagine that every one of you has evaded liability by passing the task to another person. It is too tempting to avoid the anxiety and compulsions that would arise from completing the action yourself. I could either ask someone else to lock the door, or I could spend three hours wobbling the handle in an attempt to convince myself that it really is shut – which one would you honestly choose? It brings up another reason that CBT is so hard – I have to accept the fact that my OCD will worsen before it will get better. I have to face the compulsions before I can resist them.
Obsessively compulsively yours,
Bellsie
Update
I have to construct a hierarchy of my compulsions in order to start tackling them one by one. I have made a good start – moving a shoe (chaos is not the goal, just enough to ensure a feeling that it is “not right”) and putting off the performance of my morning routine – taking my medicine and making my bed. It is not easy, but I have so much support and I am determined to get better.
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