Acceptance

God grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- The Serenity Prayer, AA

I have OCD. It isn't fair, and yet it is not unfair - tiny flaws in the biochemistry of my brain means that I live with a chronic and debiliating condition.

Change cannot happen without acceptance - I cannot recover without first accepting that I was ill in the first place. Perhaps I am not a sick, homicidal maniac just about to break free of my inhibitions and kill everyone in sight, perhaps I am poorly. Perhaps I am not responsible for everything that surrounds me, blessed with a God like power, perhaps I just have a disorder that means that sometimes I have a hard time working out that my presence and actions have a limited effect.

I suppose that at the end of the day this elusive acceptance means coming to terms with the fact that this world is not perfect and nor am I, that I must live in the present rather than ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. Instead of using all my physical and mental energy to control the uncontrollable it is time for me to make some goals, to start the hard and long journey to the new, OCD free me.

It is not that I am not up for a challenge and my competitive spirit is itching to get out, to attack the progress charts that are lurking inside my computer, it is just that there is this tricky acceptance thing in the way.

Obsessively compulsively yours,

Bellsie