I have come to the decision that there is more to life than this. I know that doesn’t sound earth shattering, I know that most of you are probably sitting back and wondering how it took me twenty years to realize it, but to me it signals something pretty big.
I want to live. I want to get better. I want to have a career, a family; I actually wouldn’t mind a social life. Okay, so maybe that’s going a bit far, but I certainly want the first two. I do not want to wallow in this toxically inebriating self pity for the rest of my life.
I want to live. I want to get better. I want to have a career, a family; I actually wouldn’t mind a social life. Okay, so maybe that’s going a bit far, but I certainly want the first two. I do not want to wallow in this toxically inebriating self pity for the rest of my life.
So where has this come from? I was very low last week and I felt that I had no future, that I was
drifting along in a worthless body, empty of spirit and full of worry, too heavy to carry on and yet to light to sink in to the real stuff. I remembered what another mental health blogger, Seaneen had always said – when you feel like ending it all, give it a month. In my case a week sufficed. I don’t want to die anymore.
Suicidal thoughts still hold such stigma – it wasn’t that long ago that suicide was still illegal. Why is it that we can talk openly about sexuality, about our views on everything from politics to the mind numbingly boring, about religion and beliefs, and yet when it comes to a matter of life or death, when we feel like we are not made for this world and wouldn’t mind taking our chances in the next, people clam up and turn away?
After seeing my psychiatrist on Friday I am now taking a new medication as well as an increased dose of my older SSRI – I will go into this more in a later post as although I find Neurobiochemistry thrilling, I understand that I am probably alone. Anyway, suffice to say I am feeling a lot better – I don’t know if it’s the medication, a sort of placebo effect or just the natural course of my OCD and the depression that clutches so tightly to it, but I am able once again to smile.
As it turns out, I do have something for live for. I have a new cousin, a beautiful little girl. She’s the most perfect little thing and I want to be in her life. Oh, and a certain someone from Australia surfaced in my kitchen this evening, completely unexpected and yet completely perfectly on time.
Obsessively, compulsively yours,
Bellsie
Hi, I wondered why you hadn't posted recently and send you all the best for hanging in there. It's not fun to feel that way but totally logical at the time you experience the feelings of ending it all. It makes it so much harder when it's a taboo subject to talk about, that moment when you see the look in their eyes (or as they look away) when you take a chance on telling them, the barriers come up and they stop listening, taking a more accusing look at you. Will keep following your blog, there are some of us out there who care.
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