I am swiftly becoming a master of deception, a fount of knowledge when it comes to deceit and dishonesty, and do you know what? I don’t like it.
When I was diagnosed with OCD, my mother was warned about the fact that the avoidance, the hidden compulsions, the endless loops of worry would be on a far greater scale than she would ever be able to guess. She was also told that I would do anything to get out of doing my exposure therapy, that I would manipulate situations in order to avoid facing my fears. And they were right.
I will arrange to not be in the kitchen when the cake is ready, I will tell my parents that my bedroom is messy when it is not, I will “forget” to do an exercise, I will pretend not to count as the figures march through my head, I will pull my face into what is supposed to resemble a nonchalant smile (but is probably more like a squinting grimace) and try to look as if I am letting the thoughts pass through instead of wrestling with each one until we are both beaten.
I am not proud of these actions. I do not like this manipulating or the outright lies, but sometimes the fear is just too strong, the doubts just too powerful, the worries just too real.
So this is a sorry, I guess.
Obsessively compulsively yours,
Bellsie
It never ceases to amaze me how close the relationship is between ED's and OCD. Swap the labels and I could have written this post.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is learning not to lie to yourself is only the second phase really. It's recognising the lies for what they are is bloody difficult before you even begin fighting them. I spend far too long believing my own Bullshit, it's so much a part of my everyday life, it's hard to sort out the wheat from the chaff. Personally I think it's a brilliant leap forward that you've noted your avoidance, and admitted it to yourself, give yourself credit for that not insignificant leap Bellsie.
Lola x