In five months time, I will turn 21. When my sister reached this milestone, two years ago, she was completing a dual honours degree, living in Spain and in a stable relationship. Where am I? Chronically single, living at home, no qualifications to my name and an unhealthy affinity to my pyjamas. Things aren’t looking great.
My grandmother, who is unaware of the fact that I am pathologically odd, asked me last week where I saw myself in ten years, and the true answer is that I don’t know. I am too awkward, too wrapped up in my own head to ever be romantically involved with another human (“Sex? Yes darling, just give me three hours to rearrange my shoes until they are perfectly straight”), the idea of having children (and I once proclaimed that I would have at least six) fills me with fear – so convinced am I that they would die due to either my irresponsible oversights or, even worse, as a result of my own violence that I cannot honestly see myself ever contributing to the gene pool.
And then you have the question of a career. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was two, and yet due to the OCD I messed up my first year so badly that even the idea of attempting to return fills me with a dread of failure. What about Psychology? Blind leading the bloody blind I hear you cry. I can’t concentrate, reading is a struggle and I feel as though my neurons have burnt out, reducing to a small, smoking ball of neurosis.
So where do I see myself in ten years time? I have no bloody clue.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm 24 and still struggling with this A LOT. I know people think you're supposed to have your life figured out by the time you're 18 or 21 or whatever, but that is not true.
ReplyDeleteFrom the famous advice column, "Wear Sunscreen" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997,
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you wanna do with your life; the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."
Wise words - thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's not just the OCD at play here - although it certainly saps the motivation from you.
Will link to your blog!
Ever hear of Kay Redfield Jamison?
ReplyDeleteDon't ever let anyone tell you that intimate knowledge of a mental illness excludes you from helping others.
I struggle with this too. Almost 20 and I literally have NO direction in life, except for the knowledge that I might someday want to become a primary school teacher or a social worker or well any sort of helpy-person!I'm dubious about whether mental health issues will resolve and allow me to head down one of these paths, but at least I have some sort of answer when I get the dreaded 'What are you going to do with your life?' question.
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, you've got to work at your own pace. Don't beat yourself up comparing yourself to your sister. My brothers were always being compared to me growing up, I was the 'smart' one destined to do well in school, go to university, get a good job, and they were always told they should aspire to be a bit more like me. And then look what happened!
Also, you have already achieved so much, don't forget that.
Take Care x
I didn't know what I wanted to do at 20. Or 30. Or 40. I've done lots of interesting things with my life though. By 20 I'd wobbled through a degree course, one failed marriage, drifted into a second relationship, and decided that what I'd studied at uni definitely wasn't the field I wanted to work in. Tried three different career directions in the following 10 years, had two kids and got married, and just before I turned 40 I went back to my degree course subject, became a teacher. Now been with my husband for a total of 24 years, have two teenagers the eldest of which is about to leave for uni himself - but who himself has no idea where he wants to be in 10 years time. When I look back, I've had a great life so far, and whilst I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing in another 10 years, I no longer worry about it. Some people have plans and direction. Some of us drift. But just enjoy the journey anyway. Good luck. CB.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your wise words -
ReplyDeletePerhaps I shouldn't measure myself against others (although it is always so tempting isn't it!)
Everyone tells me that I'm young, that a year here or there makes no difference, and yet it feels like it does.
We shall have to see...
When I was 21, my OCD made it exponentially more difficult to deal with normal questions of what I wanted to be, and what my life was about. I thought I was defective, and that belief was incredibly constricting. I had no room to really think or know what I liked with all the OCD interference. You wanted to be a doctor--if you didn't have the fear of failure, would you still want to be one? Getting treatment for your OCD is a first step to becoming the woman you want to be. A year here or there feels like it means a huge difference if you are suffering.
ReplyDeleteJust randomly landed here from a google search ... one question: how do you know that OCD solely explains how you're feeling now? How do you know it's not also, say, depression? It does sound bleak. Maybe it's worth asking yourself/someeone else if there's something else at play as well.
ReplyDeleteOn the hand, maybe it is also a time to re-evaluate what you really want to do, now that you know more about who you are. If you still want to be a doctor, you can be and will be. :)
Hi Bellsie,
ReplyDeleteHow're things? Hope you're doing well. When I was 20, I was housebound for the better part of a semester. I managed to pass some papers and withdrew from one. I seriously considered taking the year off, as you've done. In the end I got my MA and now I'm not sure I want to do a PhD in the same subject. I'm taking this year off and sometimes I feel very lost. I wish I'd talked more about how OCD affected my studies in my interview (for the same podcast you were in)... I didn't share any useful tips >_< but then, I'm not sure that I have many. I just wanted to let you know that I remember this feeling and to send some encouragement your way. You can get through this.