I've been putting this post off for quite a while. It's not that I'm ashamed of my religion nor that I feel that it isn't a suitable topic for a blog about OCD, but because it's taken me that long to work it all out.
Sometimes I think that having OCD would be easier if it were not for my faith, although I know well enough that it would soon grab on to something else, but I do find it unfair. I have had horrible sexual intrusive thoughts, terrible visions of my family dying, torturous hours of compulsions and yet it when the OCD latched itself onto my religion I felt that it had crossed one boundary too many. That there was literally nothing sacred anymore.
I have torn myself apart over God. Over being a good Christian (although I am yet to find the Bible passage that says that if you don't cough four times in a row you are a terrible, terrible human being with no chance of redemption). I have thrashed out impossible catechism after impossible catechism, the questions and answers tangling together into a thick rope that tightens itself around my neck.
And yet I'm still here. I'm still here. I still trust and I still hold on. And maybe I'm naïve and maybe I'm just being silly, but sometimes it just makes sense.
Obsessively compulsively yours
Bellsie
Dear Bellsie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you.
And yes, you are still here, and God still loves you, and He always will.
My personal experience is that OCD attacked at the roots of my faith in my younger years (I'm sounding old now!), but over recent years this has stopped. I know everyone's experience is different, but I mention this in the hope that it provides a little encouragement to you.
You may already be familar with this other blog, but maybe not, and it may be of interest. The blog is 'So Now You Know' - this link is to a post about OCD and Faith http://angelaandluke.blogspot.com/2010/04/scrupulosity-yep-im-going-there.html
Take Care
Bellsie,
ReplyDeleteYou write so eloquently of this pain when you said "I have thrashed out impossible catechism after impossible catechism, the questions and answers tangling together into a thick rope that tightens itself around my neck." I too have struggled with the ocd latching onto my faith. I am still wary and vulnerable about anything theological. I once told my therapist that the only way to stop the pain of obsessing about God and the nature of suffering was to decide that God didn't exist. She said she believed God would understand that--I found that comforting, even though I have a desire to know God that ocd interferes with. I wrote about this here: http://exposingocd.blogspot.com/2010/04/good-friday-and-scrupulosity.html
I am a 'resting' Catholic (they don't say 'lapsed' any more) and sure it's the thing that's preventing me from leaving the planet.
ReplyDeleteI've been through/am going through that. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your replies.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both of the posts - sometimes it's good to know you're not alone.
Rielouise - I don't want to sound evangelical (I am not that kind of person) but I want you to know that you're not alone.
Sanabituranima - yeah, it really sucks. It's heatbreaking... but again, you're not alone.
Bellsie xxxx
Dear Bellsie,
ReplyDeleteI find your blogs almost difficult to read.
Difficult because you convey your daily pain so effectively. I am constantly intrigued by what you write as your insight is unparalleled.
I would just like to say a little something about faith. Personally, I have found that at the best of times faith can make life more difficult. For me, faith is seeking more from me. The better me, if you will. So during my times of weakness (anxiety, love, pain, complacency), I find my faith (my supposed 'rock') questioning who I am and what I am doing. I feel that the ability to recognize the effects your faith has on you reflects the ability of your faith to better you.
I'm sorry, I know that this rant doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But you seem like a very deserving person and I only hope that my words may offer just a little bit of help/guidance.