I'm in the middle of a blip.
A couple of months ago I passed my driving test. It took three tries, which as you can imagine was a joy for a perfectionist like myself, but I got there in the end and the world was opened up to me - I was given a taste of freedom and I hungrily gobbled it up.
And then one tiny thing came trundling along and like finding a hair in a bowl of pasta, suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore.
People die in cars. I could kill. And this isn't like with the knives - one moment of inattention and the world could come falling down around me. I could hurt, I could maim, and I could be killed. When buying my first car, instead of thinking of all the wonderful possibilities that were layed before me, all I could dwell on was whether it was within this metal shell that I would take my last breath, or even worse, kill someone else.
The problem with OCD is that once you let one little thought in they come rushing at you like a swarm of bees, each one with its own delicious sting. I made that mistake and I'm paying for it.
Obsessively compulsively yours,
Bellsie
I have never had my learner license, though my dad took me driving a few times when I was 14. I am constantly surrounded by people who tell me I should be driving because my life will be better.
ReplyDeleteHow will my life be better or I'll be better off financially? I'll be in debt paying off a car, I'll be buying fuel, paying for services and roadworthiness check ups, paying for registration and insurance. Meanwhile it costs me $4 a day to catch the bus to and from work (which is 10 mins away by bus).
Not to mention the fact that I am completely and utterly terrified of driving. What if I dissociate while driving? What if I sneeze and my hand jerks and I cause a crash? What if I accidentally run someone over? What if I lose my concentration? Driving is just a minefield of anxiety attacks.
I totally get why you're afraid!
This was something that really sealed a deal for me a few months ago. When I sat down and looked at one of the top reasons I don't have a better job, I realised it was because I do not drive. In my field a driving license would open up numerous doors, and the reason I don't have one? The very suggestion that I might get behind the wheel induces mental films of carnage. Everyone drives, everyone suggests I would be happier driving. It makes my blood run cold to think of the damage I could do. I never even took the test.
ReplyDeleteI exist well enough without a license, but I regret not tackling this issue 12 years ago. Now time has made it so much worse. If you can get as far as you have already, I think this will be another successful battle beaten.
Lola x
I got my license at 15, but when I got married at 24, my husband had a stick shift and the thought of learning how to operate the clutch was too scary. My perfectionism wouldn't allow me trial and error to even learn. I didn't drive for 12 years, and my husband got more afraid that any kind of accident would cause me to breakdown mentally, so he took me everywhere. Starting to drive again 5 years ago was the beginning of finding freedom, being able to do things on my own.
ReplyDeleteMy best guess is that I am a safe driver. I don't drive aggressively, I follow safety rules. Sometimes I get fearful thoughts that I will cause someone's death while driving--but they pass, because my ocd doesn't fixate on them, but on other thoughts.
Your image of ocd as a swarm of bees is very apt. The thoughts can surround you so that you can't think about what is best for you, rather than best for the ocd. The ocd wants you to never drive again, so you won't feel the anxiety about possibly harming someone. Yes, you could hurt someone, and there's no way to guarantee you won't, but there are many ways we can hurt people, and your ocd probably doesn't fixate on all of them, or demand you ensure complete safety of all your actions.